*Disclaimer: At Utah Therapy Works, we recognize that sexual distress, including issues related to pornography, affects individuals and couples of all genders and sexual identities. The heteronormative and cisgender language used in this article is for readability only and is not intended to overlook the diverse experiences, identities, and feelings of our readers.
When wives find out that their husbands have been using porn, they are usually overwhelmed by frustration, anger, fear, and intense feelings of insecurity. They may even feel disgusted or betrayed, feeling like the stability of your marriage has been compromised. These emotions are intensified when she catches him using it because it adds a cloud of deception and secrecy to their relationship. These intense reactions can make it difficult to process the situation gracefully and productively.
While there are countless books and articles devoted to supporting men who are trying to break a pornography habit, the women who love them are left to figure out how to deal with the emotional and logistical fallout on their own. So here are a few principles and practical strategies to remember next time you come face to face with the porn in your life.
Porn is like lice
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I’d like to compare pornography use to another problem people have been dealing with for centuries. Lice.
When a parent finds out there has been a lice outbreak at school, they tend to lose their minds. But freaking out about lice doesn’t help; it usually causes more psychological damage to your children than the lice do. Parents also tend to blame others, worry about their children being stigmatized, and do their best to hide it from their friends.
However, lice outbreaks are extremely common and very treatable. And so is pornography use. It takes time, patience, dedication, and doing your best to stay calm. Just as you would approach a lice outbreak with methodical care—checking regularly, using the right treatments, and ensuring it doesn’t spread—dealing with pornography use requires a similar approach. It involves open communication, setting healthy boundaries, seeking professional guidance when needed, and creating a safe environment for healing.
Both situations are manageable, and neither should be a source of shame. And in the case of pornography use, it can be an opportunity for growth and a way to foster a deeper connection.
It’s not about you.
Just like a lice outbreak is entirely unrelated to a child’s hygiene habits, Pornography use has nothing to do with you.
Nothing.
At. All.
It says nothing about how attractive you are or how well you support him in other aspects of your life together. It says nothing about the quality of your sex life, nothing about how much he loves you, and nothing about his devotion to his family or his moral code.
Most boys are exposed to pornography between the ages of 11 and 13. They usually stumble across it accidentally or are shown by a friend or peer. Most of the time, since parents are so reluctant to talk to their children about pornography, they don’t even understand why these images feel equally exciting and like they should be hidden. All they know is they liked it, and they really don’t want their mom to know they saw it.
Easy access to the internet and more and more children having their own smartphones have increased the number of young boys who have these images foisted upon them at such a young age. And it’s even harder for neurodivergent boys (ADHD, OCD, Autism, etc.) whose brains are predisposed to crave new sources of dopamine.
A pornography habit is something that your husband is likely already deeply ashamed of, which is primarily why he hides it. He doesn’t want to disappoint you, and every time he does, he hates himself just a little more. Any bitter and angry thought you have when you catch him, he has already thought about himself.
Sometimes, husbands, overwhelmed by their own feelings of self-loathing and defensiveness, will lash out at their wives and tell them it has something to do with the relationship. Please don’t believe it because it simply isn’t true. They are grasping for a logical explanation for an illogical practice, which is the same thing you are doing.
Be his ally
When your husband confesses his porn habit to you, it’s tempting to go into “fix-it” mode. You might feel an urge to take control—lay out a plan, establish rules, install internet filters, and give him advice on how he should quit. While these ideas are understandable and may even be true, they aren’t super effective and will often backfire.
Your husband likely already knows what he “needs” to do (and if he doesn’t, his therapist can help). It’s just extremely difficult. But more importantly, he needs a partner, not a parent.
Establishing rules and installing parental controls on phones, computers, and TVs is extremely smart for parents to do for their children, not for their spouses. I’m not suggesting those protective filters shouldn’t be enacted, but if they are, it needs to be his choice and responsibility.
Why?
When a wife acts as the gatekeeper for entertainment and internet access, it breeds resentment. The relationship changes from a partnership between equals to a parent/child dynamic. No wife wants to be her husband’s mother, and no husband wants to be treated like a child. Moreover, when the husband is overcome with the temptation to view pornography, these safeguards don’t help; it’s just one more hurdle to hate himself for jumping over.
Instead of stopping him from viewing porn, he feels even more angry at himself because the barriers couldn’t stop him, and a little angry at you for putting them in place. Now, not only has he succumbed to something he’s desperately trying to avoid, but he had to be even more deceptive to do it, adding to his shame.
Sometimes, husbands proactively ask their wives to put these safeguards in place, thinking it would be good to have their wife act as an accountability person; when that happens, the best thing to say is, “Thank you for trusting me, and please keep coming to me when you are struggling. I want to support you, but no, I won’t do that. We both know you need to be in charge of your own sexual health. That is not my job.”
It may be helpful to say something simple, like, “I’m here to be your cheerleader, not your coach.” This comparison gives him a clear understanding of your role in his sexual health. Your job is to be supportive and encouraging. As his wife and partner in life, he needs you to be a safe and soft place to turn to when he’s feeling anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, or after he has slipped up.
What to say when he tells you
Shame is isolating. Shame makes people feel unworthy, broken, and undeserving of love. If you respond with anger, criticism, or punishment, it can drive him further into that shame. What you both need is connection, a genuine, loving, and authentic connection.
Instead, acknowledge the courage it took for him to open up. Here are some responses that you can use next time he comes to you:
• I’m so sorry, sweetheart! That really sucks.
• Thank you for telling me. I know that must have been hard.
• I really appreciate you trusting me with this. What can I do to help?
You may even want to increase how much affection you are showing. Tell him you’re sorry he’s struggling, and give him a long, safe hug. Not only will this help him trust that you aren’t going to punish him for his mistakes, but that confiding in you can be a healing balm when he’s hurting.
These conversations should be short. Empathize with him with compassion and love, and quickly move on with your day. This helps him learn that coming to you doesn’t have to be scary and will not result in hours or days of emotional distance. Emotional distance is scary for both of you.
This doesn’t mean you have to hide your true feelings from him, but now is not the time to show them. Right now, you’re creating an environment where healing conversations can happen without shame or defensiveness shutting them down.
What to say when you catch him
If you catch him in the act or find evidence that he has been using pornography without telling you, the shame he feels is compounded by his secrecy. Here are some helpful ways to react:
•Hey sweetheart, I found XXX in the browser history; I wish you would have told me about this earlier. Is there something I can do to make you feel safe coming to me in the future?
•Hey love, I’d like to discuss something sensitive and potentially uncomfortable for you. When is a good time for us to have that conversation? I promise you aren’t in trouble.
•Hey sweetie, I found XXX again. I know you were probably planning on telling me soon, but it would be good if we could be on the same page about how long you wait before you tell me next time you’ve slipped up.
These are small phrases, but their impact is huge. They show empathy and understanding, and they don’t minimize the importance of the discussion.
What to do
Connect
It’s tempting to withdraw. Don’t.
These are the hard times that are supposed to make your relationship stronger, but the space you put between you will be a breeding ground of resentment, bitterness, and emotional distance. Instead of pulling away, use this as an opportunity to communicate openly, rebuild trust, and foster a deeper connection. This may seem impossible at first, but I promise it gets easier.
By staying engaged and working through the pain together, you can prevent negative emotions from festering and create a path toward healing and growth.
Communicate
Couples usually only talk about porn when it’s been discovered or when one or both of you are trying to process unresolved feelings. Try talking about it when you are both calm. Be curious and compassionate. Feel free to ask questions about possible triggers and how he would like you to react when he comes to you, but avoid specific questions about his pornography habits (the types of pornography he prefers, etc.) It’s not helpful, and people usually only ask these questions to satisfy their desire for control. Asking those questions won’t bring healing—it will only lead to more pain and possibly create deeper wounds in your relationship.
Instead, focus on understanding the emotional and psychological aspects of his struggle. Be curious about what triggers his urges, how he feels about his progress, and what kind of support he needs from you. Approach these conversations with teamwork and empathy, keeping the bigger picture in mind: rebuilding trust, fostering intimacy, and working together toward a healthier, more connected relationship.
If you aren’t sure what topics are safe to discuss, ask yourself, “Will the answer to this question help me understand and support him, or will it make me feel bad about myself or judge him?”
How to deal with your feelings
When you find out your husband is using porn, it almost always brings up all sorts of intense feelings about your own self-worth, your husband’s love for you, and the stability of your marriage and family. And if you have a history of trauma, insecurity, sexual problems in your marriage, or your own doubts about your sexual expression, you may feel a desperate need to take control or rage at him.
Unfortunately, he can’t help you with those feelings; he’s just not qualified. He needs to be focusing on his contributions to the problems the two of you are having. Individual therapy and support groups are perfect for helping you process what you are going through. I don’t recommend talking to people in your social circle (friends, family, etc.). Not only are they also not qualified to help you manage your emotions, but it can make your husband feel like you are betraying his trust by talking to others about his intimate struggles.
Your therapist can help you process the complex emotions that arise from this situation, offering guidance on navigating feelings of betrayal, insecurity, and self-worth. They can help you unpack past trauma, manage your triggers, and develop healthy coping strategies that allow you to address your needs without relying on your husband to resolve them. Therapy can provide you with the tools to set boundaries, communicate effectively, and ensure that your healing journey is separate from, but parallel to, the work your husband is doing.
Have a Separate Conversation About How It Affects You
It’s important to talk about how your husband’s porn habit affects you, but timing is everything. This conversation shouldn’t happen immediately after his confession or in the heat of the moment. It’s best to schedule a time for both of you to talk in a calm, safe space. This way, you can express your feelings without it turning into a defensive argument or making him feel worse for having broken your heart (even if it is true).
Chances are he already knows how it impacts you, especially if this isn’t the first time you’ve discovered it. And you don’t want to do or say anything that might discourage him from coming to you in the future.
If you can’t do this without being overwhelmed, wait until you are with your couple’s therapist and have the conversation in session, when your therapist can help you regulate your emotions and translate what you are trying to say.
Going forward
Recovering from a pornography habit is hard.
Really hard.
And it takes a lot of time. To fully embrace his vision of sexual health without pornography, your husband is going to need to rewire neurological, chemical, and physiological connections, learn better tools for emotional regulation, and develop healthier coping mechanisms for stress and intimacy. Those things take time. Expect him to mess up. Expect him to struggle. And expect him to turn to you for comfort and support, so at the end of the day, the last thing that goes through his head as he drifts off to sleep is, “I am so lucky to have her in my life.”
References:
1. Owens EW, Behun RJ, Manning JC, Reid RC. The Impact of Internet Pornography on Adolescents- A Review of the Research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment & Prevention 2012; 19(1-2): 99-122.